date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
oh my god
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.