date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.