Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.