Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Human are so complicated
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed