Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Y’all know who you are.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug