date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.