date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
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ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
shit just got real
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
The happy life.. 😊
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.