Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
What the dentist sees
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I have questions??