Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
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At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
“i am a sweet baby”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Warm pools make me nervous.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE