@chuuew

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

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@yoyoha

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

@samalmightysam

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

@rogerbellin

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

@truegritrumble

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

@KattsDogma

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

@RdrJay47

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

@metickleu

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

@Prof_Hinkley

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

@joe_binkley

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.