DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

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Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science


The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.


future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming


CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.


I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red


I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.


I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…


[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No


Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.