DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
sigh
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified