date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day