date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
You Might Also Like
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
If you had more money you’d be happier.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.