@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

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@ParaJanitor

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@david8hughes

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@chadhartigan

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

@CourtneyBale

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

@ihyjuju

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

@lisaOoOo

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.