@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

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@dildointherough

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@skylerhanrath

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

@TheHatStore

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

@QwertyJones3

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@tchrquotes

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@DanMentos

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal