DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Human are so complicated
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Just had my nails done!
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
this is 10/10 content no notes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.