DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.