DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
he’s doing your taxes
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe