DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?