DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 馃嚘馃嚭
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here鈥檚 a cheese sandwich.
That’s it.I’m out.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.