date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Single and childfree like Jesus
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
worst…sale…ever
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.