DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
How does one answer this?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata