date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
You Might Also Like
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.