Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Did my cat write this
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out