DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.