DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)