Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
eggs benadryl
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
socratic questions
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.