date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.