DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
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Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]