[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
how was your vacation
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.