DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist


2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!


Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes


You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’


I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.


So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known


You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.


Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.


[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes