@jonnysun

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

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@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

@kidversations_

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

@FierceMess

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

@hansabumsadaisy

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

@mstern68

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

@LurkAtHomeMom

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

@MavenofHonor

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

@TheWriteStuff2u

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

@Gorrdano

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

@buttsword

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes