DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
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I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
(yawn)
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical