DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?