Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record