*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
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If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?