Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
You Might Also Like
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
When you’re Kinky but poor
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*