DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
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I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I would like even faster food.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.