date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.