Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!