date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.