DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.


I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.


I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!


daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”


What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?


[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*


If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.


“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”


Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.


wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants