[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
You Might Also Like
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
This is my brand.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Time for evil
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
HOW DARE YOU
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over