date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Need WebMD
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’