Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
3% human
97% stress
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Bless you
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.