Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

We like the way Dwight thinks

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money