DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working