DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?