Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?