date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Meow
One venti cheeseburger please.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Same pineapple, same
Spring of Deception
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
still the best tweet of the year by far
No. YOU-buprofen.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant