date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.