Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Why am I like this?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.