Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I bet doom scroll meant something way cooler in the middle ages.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid