Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”