Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
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Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts