Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
May have had one breakfast too many