DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
oh my gosh!!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The French cow says MEUX…
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.