date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Put a ring on it
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!